Tis The Season...To Be A False Prophet

So last night I finished Dexter season 6, and it was incredibly satisfying. It's definitely the best show on television (if you have Showtime; if not I suppose any AMC show easily takes the cake). For those that don't know, Dexter is about a serial killer who kills other bad people in society, all while trying to maintain being the social norm. Each season has a theme in the growth of his character, and in the most recent, as Dexter is trying to be a father (not terribly significant in spoiling anything), he tries to embrace faith as a means of controlling what he calls his "dark passenger". This is all happening as a new threat, known as DDK or Doomsday Killer, is making the 7 taboos of Revelations come to life in "sacrifice to God."

This transition is where I lead into this whole season, the season of Lent, Easter, and the like. I understand people need a God to maintain the balance of right and wrong (even though in many cases, the balance tips in favor of whatever is being done). I also understand that for most people, the idea of this life meaning "nothing" is quite a struggle too, especially when you feel like you are working so hard to live a prosperous life. The things I don't understand are the motivations to prove that you are willing to God, when they involve the absolute dumbest things on the planet.

Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, and according to Dante, results in being placed in the Third Circle of Hell in a pit of human excrement, blind and cold. This sounds awesome, but do you know what the definition of gluttony is? According to Thomas Aquinas, a medieval church leader, gluttony was defined as:

• Praepropere - eating too soon. 
• Laute - eating too expensively. 
• Nimis - eating too much. 
• Ardenter - eating too eagerly (burningly). 
• Studiose - eating too daintily (keenly). 
• Forente - eating wildly (boringly).

All that is to say, that being wasteful of resources and in a vain manor is a sin against the testament of God. Now, with that in mind, why is Lent so important? It's a paradoxical holiday that I can only see as the incarnation to make people believe they are doing write, and make sure they are repenting for what they are going to do after 40 days of "sacrifice". The paradox here of course is that while you are giving up your Coca-Cola, and your chocolate, and your video games, once the 40 days are over, you are going to too soonly indulge on this habits again, because your brain is wired to think that way. But according to Thomas Aquinas, this is "ardenter" or eating too eagerly.

Now when you put this all together, you are not only fasting only to be gluttonous, you are then celebrating/mourning the death of a man, brutally and horribly, and then praising him when he rises, because you await to be the chosen ones in His eyes and watch as He casts the infidels into Hell on Judgement Day while you can have all the spoils and sacrifice in Heaven. I think that covers Greed (wanting all in Heaven), Sloth (no emotional remorse for all of "God's children" being throw into Hell), Wrath (a burning passion to destroy those unfaithful), Envy (wanting to take Jesus's place and be glorified), Pride (feeling better than those that have been cast into Hell), and Vanity (feeling like you were the chosen because you picked the right side). Add these together and take out the compatibles and you have approximately 6 out of the 7 deadly sins. The only one missing is Lust, and you have so kept that by being abstinent and lusting after your boyfriends and girlfriends before marriage, even while "keeping God's faith".

Putting all that together, you have rightfully earned a place in Hell, but because you followed God, you can be forgiven and make it into Heaven. I'm calling bullshit, but believe what you want. I know if God is real I'm going to Hell, and I have no qualms, for I am never perfect. I sin and sin and sin, and I enjoy sinning. Makes my life have meaning. So while you sit back, relax and enjoy thinking you are making a sacrifice to God, remember the sins you are still committing, and how much more intense they are after the fact. As for me, I'll be enjoying all the things you give up for 40 days, and thereafter, for I have no worry about my faith. My faith has divided by zero. And oh back to Dexter, he kills DDK, who thinks he has done all right for God, and that God has willed everything that has occurred. Sounds to me like the mindless leading the blind. But I'll hold my tongue.

"Self Vs. Self" and "The Wretched" Parallels

So lately I have been listening to more and more heavy music just to clear my mind and feel the complexity of the words. One of those particular bands of interest is In Flames. They have several songs I like but one in particular stands out and it's part title of this post. That song would be "Self Vs. Self".

Featured on the most recent Pendulum album "Immersion", the song combines the elements of well known metal with Pendulum's drum & bass style to create a very unique song in its composition. But besides the obvious brilliance in music talent, the writing for the song is incredible and relates to a deeper side of me which I consistently tend to struggle with. The song essentially talks of the struggles of the positive and negative struggles of human reality and the overcoming from a positive standpoint of the misery and pain that may have befallen.

Putting that song into perspective for my life, as I mentioned in the last post, I am slowly rebuilding my life. And I have my up days and down and down seems to try to rule things. Lately, with all the stress from school and my own mind playing its crafty tricks of deception, I have seemingly fallen into what seems like a chasm of self deprecation and haven't ever managed to find my way out.

This is where the second song comes into play and enhances my expression of how I feel I am fighting myself. The second song is the new single off of Attack Attack!'s new record. The talented vocalist Johnny left, leaving the equally talented Caleb to try to lead the band into a new direction. In the new direction, he leads with screams and the singing to go with it, and it's not the best but this particular song has been looming in my brain since I listened to it.

The poignant line within the song is "There's something wrong with me, I can't seem to agree..." also like "Self Vs. Self", hinting at an internal struggle. I know for one I am having that struggle and relate to both of those. Attack Attack! has helped me through trying times and I know of no better answer than to play through their CD and cope.

Combining all this together, I feel a war beginning which I have no way of knowing the outcome. I am at war with myself, and as such, I will have my moments of glory, overcoming the misery, and my moments of darkness, close to death in my spiral for purpose. Only one can win, and no matter which, I won't be making it out alive of this life.

In a parallel to Attack Attack!'s "The Wretched", The Word Alive's song of the same name says "We won't fool the deceiver...". I can call it as it is right now: I am the deceiver, and both sides can't fool themselves for too long.

Wandering About This Restless Mind

So as if having one blog wasn't enough, I've created a second to occasionally indulge into my personal thoughts and find a sense of purpose to my followers. My first blog originally entailed the idea of expressing my thoughts openly, but I rapidly lost track of it and eventually converted it to telling of music I have discovered and wish other people to know. This blog will go back to the beginning in the ideals I originally offered to share.

Before I begin on what I feel I should express, I suppose I should explain the significance of the name of the blog, in addition with the name of my first blog. Both blog addresses share various similarities with the name. Both are lyrics from the same band, Of Machines. Both offer a shaded view into my personal thoughts. Finally, both shed light on a more important view of myself that I don't commonly share (until now). As for the first blog "Sailing Alone Around The Room Never Seemed Best", I was indeed alone at the time, but sought much solace in friends in order to fully feel "the human experience". I shortly found that this has its benefits and downfalls, with the downfalls exceedingly higher than that of the benefits. I had fallen in love, developed solid friendships, and was at a place where I thought I could never be torn down from.

This changed with my failures in judgement and perception, and I have since slid deeper and deeper into an oblivion from which I have no idea how I can manage to fully recover. I have made strides from where I was. I was in the deepest of the deep. I had lost my friendships, my happiness, and no matter how much people try to tell me otherwise, the love of my life. Not wanting to accept that at the beginning, I sought an easy way out, and even made it known to my parents. I eventually found strength in the little friendships that remained and built my way out of the dust and into a new beginning, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I went back to school, built back up my reputation, and sought new ways to fill the voids in my life. Much of this was alcohol and tobacco, but when that wasn't enough I turned to psychedelics to ease the burdens. My mind seemed to rewire and I found a new happiness.

From then, I have truly felt like I have been in hiding. All that happiness was a fake excuse to validate those around me, and I have since realized that. I am not content where I am, and I don't know if I will be for a while, but the only difference now is I'm done seeking "approval". Those that have remained my friends will be around for me, and no one else matters. I don't need more people to lose when they tire of who they think I am. I put up a front to survive the toils of school, to be known as a great mind, regardless of if I am or not.

This is where the new blog title comes in. "These Dreams And The Reality Never Seemed So Refined, Until I Awoke To Find..." is about the perception of what I had dreamed all these years to be true reality and the other side which I imagined not to be, and me realizing it. This reality is a mere perception of how we wish it to be. When we have a good day where dreams come true and happiness is abound, the reality becomes distorted and seems so refined to the image we had. Likewise, an image of despair and trouble also becomes refined when your eyes open to what the world is around you.

So my main question to those that have taken the time to read this, or even skim to this point is this: are you really who you want to be? 

I know I'm not, and I'm not sure I ever will be. But maybe, just maybe I can improve upon that now. I don't need your gratitude. I don't need your guidance, your strength, or even your support for me to know who I am. I know who I am. I am lost within my dreams of something better, and like dreams, these are just my distorted perception of my reality. And whether or not I should see the light, I prefer to dream in darkness than follow blindly in light.