Before I begin on what I feel I should express, I suppose I should explain the significance of the name of the blog, in addition with the name of my first blog. Both blog addresses share various similarities with the name. Both are lyrics from the same band, Of Machines. Both offer a shaded view into my personal thoughts. Finally, both shed light on a more important view of myself that I don't commonly share (until now). As for the first blog "Sailing Alone Around The Room Never Seemed Best", I was indeed alone at the time, but sought much solace in friends in order to fully feel "the human experience". I shortly found that this has its benefits and downfalls, with the downfalls exceedingly higher than that of the benefits. I had fallen in love, developed solid friendships, and was at a place where I thought I could never be torn down from.
This changed with my failures in judgement and perception, and I have since slid deeper and deeper into an oblivion from which I have no idea how I can manage to fully recover. I have made strides from where I was. I was in the deepest of the deep. I had lost my friendships, my happiness, and no matter how much people try to tell me otherwise, the love of my life. Not wanting to accept that at the beginning, I sought an easy way out, and even made it known to my parents. I eventually found strength in the little friendships that remained and built my way out of the dust and into a new beginning, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I went back to school, built back up my reputation, and sought new ways to fill the voids in my life. Much of this was alcohol and tobacco, but when that wasn't enough I turned to psychedelics to ease the burdens. My mind seemed to rewire and I found a new happiness.
From then, I have truly felt like I have been in hiding. All that happiness was a fake excuse to validate those around me, and I have since realized that. I am not content where I am, and I don't know if I will be for a while, but the only difference now is I'm done seeking "approval". Those that have remained my friends will be around for me, and no one else matters. I don't need more people to lose when they tire of who they think I am. I put up a front to survive the toils of school, to be known as a great mind, regardless of if I am or not.
This is where the new blog title comes in. "These Dreams And The Reality Never Seemed So Refined, Until I Awoke To Find..." is about the perception of what I had dreamed all these years to be true reality and the other side which I imagined not to be, and me realizing it. This reality is a mere perception of how we wish it to be. When we have a good day where dreams come true and happiness is abound, the reality becomes distorted and seems so refined to the image we had. Likewise, an image of despair and trouble also becomes refined when your eyes open to what the world is around you.
So my main question to those that have taken the time to read this, or even skim to this point is this: are you really who you want to be?
I know I'm not, and I'm not sure I ever will be. But maybe, just maybe I can improve upon that now. I don't need your gratitude. I don't need your guidance, your strength, or even your support for me to know who I am. I know who I am. I am lost within my dreams of something better, and like dreams, these are just my distorted perception of my reality. And whether or not I should see the light, I prefer to dream in darkness than follow blindly in light.
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